


The Story of Tonight

by Selienne



Category: Hamilton - Fandom, Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, I kinda hate it but I like the first part, I think I wrote it circa 2k19 but not sure, Inspired by Music, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Love, an old one, as always, never posted, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:02:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28727787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selienne/pseuds/Selienne
Summary: "I may not live to see our glory..."John Laurens, the son of a wealthy politician, the one the society had deemed as “successful” and “the one who’s definitely gonna do something big in his life and make his family proud” was standing in front of a small window and crying at the sight of playful children.When had he become so pathetic and hopeless?
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler, Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Kudos: 16





	The Story of Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> Since I'm having a rough night (or morning I guess), I remembered that little thing I'd written back in 2019 when I'd been living and breathing Hamilton. It was supposed to be a trilogy but obviously, it never became one, as I only finished the first part. 
> 
> Call it a vent fic, a vent upload, treat it however you want, just felt a massive urge to send it somewhere along with my thoughts between all those oumotas i'm writing. 
> 
> I'm sorry
> 
> and as always, sorry for all the grammar mistakes, i'm not a native speaker (even more so since it's like two years old and i didn't have energy to look for mistakes)

„I may not live to see our glory…”

He sang, his voice slightly shaking, as he tied another strong knot on the rope.

“But I will gladly...”, he stopped to swallow a sob. “I will gladly join the fight.”

As the noose was finished, he hanged it on his bedside. Getting up from his knees, he walked closer to the only window in his room. It already started snowing.

“And when our children tell our story...”

He smiled tiredly, looking outside. Several kids, possibly his neighbors, were playing catch. God, how long has it been since he’d left his apartment?

“They’ll tell the story of…”, he winced, not finishing the verse. Big and hot tears started flowing through his cheeks, making his vision blurry.

John Laurens, the son of a wealthy politician, the one the society had deemed as “successful” and “the one who’s definitely gonna do something big in his life and make his family proud” was standing in front of a small window and crying at the sight of playful children.

John Laurens, the one who had destroyed his entire life in a span of only few years, the one who had pushed off all his friends to live in solitary, choking on his pain. The one and the same that had decided to hold onto stupid feelings to someone he was never supposed to have. To a man.

“Raise a glass to freedom!”, he croaked, laying flat on the floor of his small bedroom. “Something they can never take away... Because you’re going to do it yourself”.

God, when had he become so pathetic? To just lay on the floor and have waves of guilt and regret just flood him repeatedly?

“Raise a glass to the four of us. Tomorrow there’ll be none of us”, he half-laughed, half-sobbed, glancing at the rope waiting at his bedside.

Lafayette came back to France some time ago and Hercules was... who the fuck knew where. Although they both forced John to promise them he’d write regularly, it wasn’t like they were going to come here and talk him off.

He changed his address anyway, lying that he was going back to South Carolina but instead going farther north. Making an excuse that he had important work, project, anything that didn’t raise their suspicion and make them think he was isolating himself from them.

It wasn’t so hard to fool them, all it took was for him to think like he’s doing them a favor. Like he’s making sure they didn’t have to look at his sorry self and take pity on him. Yeah, it was easy to do that. Fooling Alexander though… that was an entirely different story.

John sobbed again, hugging himself tightly and curling into a messy ball of tears and self-loathing. Even thinking about Alexander hurt as if he was being burned alive. In a way, he felt like he was.

“I may not live to see our glory”, he whispered again, this song, _their_ song being the only thing that was able to bring him at least a little bit of comfort.

He’d just... stopped replying to his messages. He’d turned off his phone, not giving anyone his new address and hoped for the best. He couldn’t come up with an excuse that wouldn’t have given him away to Alexander. He couldn’t think of anything that hadn’t sounded like he was lying because indeed, he was constantly lying. To his friends, to his family, to himself.

And it wasn’t like he could tell the truth either, right?

“And I don’t have the means to fight”, he smiled again but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. He stood up and took the noose in his hands again.

If he was going to do it, tonight was as good as he was going to get.

“But if your children tell my story”, he hummed, tying the noose to a hook he installed in his ceiling weeks before.

He’d been pathetic for so long now. In love with his best friend whom he was never going to tell the truth to. He didn’t want to ruin Alexander’s happiness. Hamilton had a wife, a son, a future. Laurens knew he couldn’t have any of it and even if he could, he didn’t want to. But the pain was getting unbearable and he didn’t have any strength left. It was better this way, then. The boys were to learn about his demise from a letter or so, John was sure his father would change his suicide into something heroic just to save his own name.

John couldn’t blame him for that. In fact, he even felt grateful.

“It’ll be the story of tonight…”, he sang and smiled, stepping on a stool and putting the noose on his neck. “Let’s have another round tonight.”

And then he jumped.

* * *

John Laurens wasn’t really the religious type. Of course, when he was a kid, he used to go to the masses with his family but, being gay and idealistic, he had quickly turned his back on God. That’s why he was always sure that if he died, he’d go to hell.

But when he opened his eyes, he was surrounded by light. And white. And it smelled like hospital.

He... clearly was in a hospital. Or in heaven. One of the two.

John sat up on the bed he was lying in, immediately feeling dizzy from the sudden movement. He was also quite... not dead, despite his previous attempts on that matter. He could scratch the idea of ending up in heaven then. John sighed, pondering if maybe neighbors had heard him that night and decided to check what’s been going on. He must’ve had even less luck than he thought.

When the dizziness stopped, Laurens carefully looked around the hospital room he was in. There wasn’t too much stuff, couple medical machineries, his bed and a chair someone was sleeping in. Their face was covered in a book and it looked a little funny but John decided it was best not to laugh. He didn’t want to wake anyone that was kind enough to guard him in his sleep, even if he was a little bit curious about who even wanted to do that.

Deciding it’s best to save his strength and not risk another wave of lightheadedness, he lay down again. Then, the door to his room opened and Lafayette came in, holding two paper cups of coffee, probably. John smiled at him, still feeling weird but happy to see his friend.

“Hi, Laf”, he said, his voice strangely hoarse. At this point he wasn’t so sure anymore if he hadn’t really died but damn, to hell with that. He hadn’t felt so good and peaceful in a long time. And if his heaven was to be a hospital room with one of his best friends in it, so be it. He just wished he could see Alexander one more time before he... was to vanish.

But Lafayette froze in place and for a moment, he just stood there, staring at John. Laurens furrowed his brows when he saw the other man’s eyes filling with tears. Then, Lafayette just dropped the two cups and ignoring the coffee spilling on the floor, he jumped forward and crushed John in a hug, exclaiming loudly his name.

John huffed in a surprise but hugged his friend back, smiling lightly. Then, he saw the person on the chair jolting in shock, the book falling from their face. Laurens’ eyes widened in terror.

Alexander winced slightly, scratching the back of his head and cursing under his breath. He looked so… tired. So exhausted and even lost. John felt a sob forming in his throat, so he hugged Lafayette even tighter.

And then, Alexander looked at him and their eyes locked.

“John.” Hamilton whispered in a relief and he stood up, making his way to John’s bed.

Lafayette sniffed loudly but scooted a bit to make space for Alex. And before John could even say a word, he was hugged by the second man; before he could even protest, he heard quiet sobs escaping from Hamilton’s lips. His own eyes immediately started watering and he held onto the two men as if his useless life depended on it.

He was pretty sure Lafayette started crying too, before he himself broke into tears.

At one point, the three of them got into arms of Hercules, who appeared out of nowhere. John wasn’t crying then anymore, having run out of tears, but it was still nice to have all of his friends by his side again. He even thought he noticed Burr somewhere in the corner, looking at them with a smile and secretly wiping a tear or two.

“What are you doing here, guys?”, he finally asked, moving a little back from them. Alexander furrowed his brows and Lafayette made a shocked expression.

“ _Mon Dieu_ , John! You don’t remember?” The Frenchman exclaimed. “You tried to… tried to…”

“Kill yourself.” Alexander finished, letting a deep sigh escape his lips. Laurens didn’t say anything, just pressed his lips into a thin line. “Why, John?”

“Why, indeed”, he smiled mockingly, shooting his friend a glare that challenged him to continue the topic.

But Alexander was as stubborn as John, if not more. The two men glared at each other for a long moment, the tension in the room increasing. But then John saw in Hamilton’s eyes something other than stubbornness and pride. He saw worry, sadness and… guilt? So he was the first one to look away.

“John, _mon cher_ , just tell us why you want to… hurt yourself.” Lafayette started, taking John’s hand in his.

“We won’t judge you, friend”, added Hercules, ruffling Laurens’ hair.

John smiled at them tiredly, the peace and energy he had felt previously completely disappeared. He still felt Alexander’s eyes on himself and decided that today’s as good as he’s going to get.

“I always dreamed of making this world a better place. You know that already”, he laughed shortly. “But somewhere between rescuing those poorer than me and those who needed someone to protect them, I fell in love”, he said.

Lafayette squeezed his hand even more as if trying to comfort him. John smiled, seeing as Alexander grit his teeth. Hercules started reassuringly patting his back.

“They gave me the strength to go on. They were my inspiration, my light when the world was too dark and cruel for my taste. Their words, they gave me the power to survive through the loneliest nights of mine”, he whispered. “I would lay on the floor and reread every message or letter I’d ever gotten from them. And after that, I’d be okay again, ready to take over the world.”

“John…” Alexander started but John lifted his free hand to quiet him.

“But they’d never be mine”, he continued. “They had their own family, plans, future. And for a while, it was okay with me. I didn’t want to ruin their chance to be happy, I was fine with just sticking around. But as everything grew more difficult and I begun feeling more and more alone… the pain stopped being something I was able to stand. And I kinda.. snapped”, he snorted mockingly. “I know you’re not a bunch of idiots. I stopped responding to your messages, I made sure you didn’t know where I lived. I didn’t want you to see who I became”, he said quietly. “Everything was supposed to end that night. How did I even end up here?”

Alexander looked away as if he wanted to say something but changed his mind. Lafayette sighed heavily.

“Alexander… he contacted me, _mon ami,_ asking if I hear something from you recently”, he spoke, his strong French accent bouncing off the hospital walls. Hercules nodded eagerly, confirming that Alexander had asked them both. “And when I say no, I didn’t, he became all worry and asked if I was to go to America any soon. Luckily, I was on my way to meet you all anyway, so we decided to just surprise you with a visit”, he smiled sadly.

“But you weren’t there. They said you weren’t living there for three months now.” Alexander mumbled under his breath and John gulped, feeling guilty.

“We kinda have Burr and Jefferson to thank for getting your address?”, Hercules chuckled nervously. “I mean, Burr heard that we couldn’t get ahold of ya so he convinced Jefferson to help us get to ya, as you weren’t replying to our messages and picking any calls.”

John looked around the room one more time, but Burr wasn’t there anymore. The man must’ve slipped off when they were all hugging themselves in tears. Or maybe he had never been there at all and it’d been only John’s sick mind that wished to see the other man.

“Good thing we got there on time.” Hercules added whispering, and a question popped in Laurens’ head.

“Who found me?”, he asked with a small voice and a tight throat, feeling himself paling as all his friends looked away. “Who was it?”

“Me”, said finally Alexander. John stared at him with terror, his mouth open. “It was me who found you and… cut off the rope.”

John hid his face in his hands, not wanting to hear anything more. He felt disgusted by himself, he’d wanted to save them that questionable pleasure of seeing him in that state. He never wanted them to have their last memory of him on the rope, hanged and dead. He wanted them to remember him as their cheerful friend. They were never supposed to know the truth.

But Alex was far from over.

“We were supposed to visit you the next day because it was already late when we arrived. But I couldn’t help myself and went to your place anyway”, he sniggered. “And I saw you by the window. You looked so sad and small, I just felt that something’s not right. And you disappeared so suddenly that I just had to see you right there and then. To make sure you’re fine or maybe help you if you weren’t. And when I knocked, nobody answered but the door wasn’t locked…”, he closed his eyes for a moment.

Lafayette and Hercules looked at each other and Hercules nodded. The Frenchman petted Laurens’ head, causing the other man to glance at him. They were both smiling sadly.

“We’ll be outside”, said Hercules and Lafayette nodded.

They both got out of the bed and left the room, closing the door behind them. John winced as if they hurt him physically by leaving him alone with Hamilton. He turned to look at the other man who was taking slow breaths to calm himself down. John felt himself drowning in a wave of self-hatred.

“Alex…”, he began quietly, taking his best friend’s hand in his.

Hamilton opened his eyes and looked at him worriedly and then scooted closer, lacing their fingers together and touching John’s forehead with his own.

“John…”, he said, closing his eyes again. John did the same, desperately wanting to feel the closure between for even a short moment. “I missed you, John.”

“Me too”, he answered, his voice cracking slightly. He could feel Alexander smile.

“John… Jackie. Why didn’t you just tell me?”, he asked and John’s breath hitched. Panic overflooded all his senses and the only sentence flowing through his head was “He knows, it’s over now.”

“Wha… what do you mean?”, he tried to dodge the question but Hamilton only squeezed his hand harder.

“I’m not stupid, John”, he said harshly. “I know who you were talking about before. I asked, why didn’t you tell me before?”

Laurens pressed his lips together even tighter and counted to ten. It was already over, there was no point in denying it any further.

“And what would you do about it, Hamilton?”, he started, his voice emotionless. “You’d magically erase the fact you have a wife and a son, a reputation to uphold and a future that holds no place for me? Even if you could do that, I would never want that. You’re the best thing in my life, Alexander Hamilton.” John felt himself choke on his own words but he had to finish. “And I’ll never let you throw away your shot, as long as I’m alive.”

“But you almost threw away yours.” Alexander huffed, obviously offended. “Goddammit, Laurens. Why can’t you just learn to depend on your friends more?”, he snapped. John raised his brow in disbelief.

“Excuse me?”, he spat. “I’M the one who doesn’t depend on his friends? You’re fucking kidding me right now, Hamilton. You’re making a fool out of me.”

“What the fuck?” Alexander almost shouted. “You’re the one who fucking vanished for several months and ended up trying to hang himself on the day I finally managed to find your sorry ass! Lafayette almost broke both of my hands for letting you be alone for so long! If not for the divorce, then I swear, Laurens, I’d drag your poor excuse of a butt out of that fucking shithole the moment you went silent on me!”

“Hey, I don’t remember giving you the right to.. wait, fucking what? Divorce? What are you talking about?” John asked, his mind getting blank.

Alexander was a lawyer, he must’ve surely meant a case he was working on, John had to be reasonable. But he couldn’t help himself but feel that small flicker of hope that maybe.. just maybe…

“Well, if you weren’t such a shitty friend that closes himself off with all his problems, you’d knew”, sighed Hamilton, looking tired yet again. “Me and Eliza… we’re in the middle of a divorce. Lack of communication, I guess. She said we should both go our separate ways but still remain friends, mostly for the sake of Phillip.”

John stared at Alexander speechless, his mind going off after the word ‘divorce’ was spoken again. His vision became blurry with tears and he couldn’t stop them, busy with fighting off the waves of hope that appeared in his mind. He tried to control himself and his feelings that were slowly overcoming him, tried to convince himself that it didn’t mean anything, that even if Alex and Eliza weren’t together anymore, there would be another woman after her. That even if Hamilton didn’t call him disgusting after discovering his feelings, it didn’t mean he was reciprocating them.

“Hey! John! Are you even listening to me?” Alexander asked angrily. John blinked a few times, looking at him with confusion.

“I don’t… I mean, I’m so sorry for you, Alex”, he cleared his throat, locking his eyes on the floor. Alexander smiled.

“Don’t say that, when you’re clearly not sorry, John”, he joked. “It’s okay. I still care for her and I still think of her as a part of my family, and obviously I love my son more than anything in this world but.. apart from work, there was someone else for a while now, anyway.”

“Oh”, he smiled, the hope in him dying again. “Of course.” _Of course._ How could he be so stupid?

But before he could say anything just to change a topic or focus Alexander’s attention on literally _anything_ else, he heard a quiet laugh.

“You won’t even let me finish now, would you?” Hamilton giggled and shook his head, making John even more confused than before. The man opened his mouth to reply to that but was cut out. “Don’t you dare. I haven’t finished talking.”

“Fine”, he grumbled, not understanding anything anymore.

Alexander smiled softly and took John’s hand in his, lacing their fingers together. He started rubbing circles on the back of John’s palm with his free hand.

“I’ll say it the exact same way you did, alright? So, I was young and full of ideals, and wanted to prove myself to the world. But you already know that, right?”, he smirked and John felt himself blush. “But I was able to go on mostly because I found people who cheered for me. Friends. I’ve never had them before coming to New York and my family.. they left me too soon, as you know that as well”, he sighed. “I wouldn’t do anything I did differently, John. Each and every mistake was always a valuable lesson and I’m not even sure if I can call them mistakes anymore. They all lead me to this moment when I hold your hand after saving you from yourself. But”, he furrowed his brows. “That doesn’t mean I don’t regret certain things.”

“What things?” John asked but wasn’t completely sure he should. Alexander looked at him carefully, those chocolate eyes swallowing John almost immediately.

“For example, I regret not telling you sooner how much I care about you”, he said quietly. Laurens felt himself drawn by every word Hamilton spoke to him. He couldn’t control his stupid feelings anymore as they finally overflew him.

But it was Alexander who made the first step.

And it was Alexander who kissed John first, not the other way.

As it was also Alexander, who said “I love you” before John could even think of anything other than the taste of Hamilton’s lips on his. Alexander made him completely helpless but John was okay with it, even more than okay.

And he was so grateful his story didn’t end on that night.

**Author's Note:**

> I feel obligated to include the national suicide prevention lifeline number: 1-800-273-8255
> 
> For anyone struggling with depression and suicide thoughts: you're strong. you're a fighter. feeling weak is okay. talk to someone. reach out to a person or people you trust. it'll feel better when you do.
> 
> and if you're waiting for some more oumota from me - it's being created and will come soon. 
> 
> Thank you for your attention, see you around


End file.
